The Great Refusal

As we weave our way through our “golden years”, many seniors may find themselves facing numerous requests and obligations of our time and energy - most of them are welcome, but others, well, not so much.  

For many of us, it’s always a balancing act between our inclination to assist and contribute, versus the need to protect our personal well-being because we’re either not up to it .…or… just not into it!

 A gentle refusal starts with genuine gratitude. Expressing appreciation for being considered demonstrates respect for the person making the request and sets a positive tone for the conversation. By starting on a note of gratitude, you will convey that your decision to gently refuse is not a rejection of the person, but the task itself.

 Setting personal comfort boundaries reminds others, as well as ourselves, that certain requests may challenge our limitations, and that not all activities are practical whether due to time constraints or health concerns.  However, instead of a direct 'no,'  one can gently explain their concerns, emphasizing the importance of self-care and health maintenance. This approach leads the requester to understand that a refusal is not a lack of willingness on your part to help out, but rather a truthful explanation that your overall well-being cannot be disregarded.

In some circumstances, you can contribute indirectly by offering alternatives or suggesting other individuals who may be better suited to the task.  This not only provides possible solutions for the requester but also indicates your commitment to fostering a supportive role.

A gentle refusal can often leave one feeling somewhat unsettled, believing they “disappointed” the requester.   However, if you are sincere and truthful in your refusal, neither shame, nor guilt, nor embarrassment is called for. A reasonable requester will have certain expectations if you say “yes”, and anticipates you will complete the task to which you have committed.  Accordingly, a reasonable requester will be equally prepared for a refusal and accept your decision. If both parties are sincere in their conversation, neither will leave unappreciated or with “hurt” feelings.

If you do require to postpone a decision to consider your options on whether to accept or reject a request, offer the requester a specific date and time at which you will definitely respond either way.

 Finally, I suggest that your gentle refusal will always outshine those individuals who prefer to answer with a “maybe… not sure… I need to check…let me get back to you”, when in fact that individual has no intention to ever answer “yes”.  Generally speaking, deliberate vagueness tends to ring hollow and also waste everyone’s valuable time.  This may leave the requester questioning that individual’s appeal to be included in any future opportunities.